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Title: Five Times Barney Stinson Celebrated Someone's Birthday and One Time He Ignored His Own
Part: 1/6
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: 1,185
Warning: Excessive use of the word awesome.
Author's Note: This is for [profile] sl_podcast 's birthday.

Eight and Twenty-Six

It was 1981, the year in which Indiana Jones stole a golden idol and our hearts. It was when 'Dynasty' and 'MTV' beamed into our homes for the first time. And, it was the era when Bob Barker hosted not one but two rocking shows. Simply put, it was awesome, unfortunately, I myself was not as awesome as I am now.

For you see Ted, true awesomeness, like breasts, takes time to develop to--.

“Barney, how long's this going take?” Ted asked, looking down at his watch. Yes, seriously a watch, with minuet hands and stuff. The dude really needed to get with the decade, no one under fifty didn't use their cell phone to tell the time anymore. Really, the only thing you should ever have wrapped around your wrist was handcuffs – what up!

Ted continued talking, though, maybe he'd never stopped. Barney wasn't sure because he'd spaced out a little. “Marshall and Lily are going to be here soon?” A statement that could have been made any night and be true 83% of the time. But tonight was different, it was Ted's birthday, they'd be here.

MacLaren's was a second home to the four of them, well almost; Barney found it much more difficult ditching his one night stands here than he did at home. He'd tried to have one of his patented toilet seats installed in the ladies room but only succeeded in pissing off Carl.

“Ted, do I interrupt your stories?”

Ted's eyebrows scrunched together. “Ummm, only all the time.”

“Well, okay but a lot of your stories are boring and don't involve me.”

“They're not boring, you'd know that if you ever let me finish.”

Barney's head dropped forward onto the table with a heavy thud, which wasn't covered up by his fake snoring. Barney was willing to suffer for a good bit, alright a lame bit but he was committed to his art and now possibly concussed because of it.

“Please, your last story was about yours and Marshall's first road trip,” Barney said his words muffled by the table. “first hour in and you're still in high school.”

“I was setting the scene! It's not my fault you kept stopping for bimbo breaks whenever a girl entered you line of vision.”

Barney sat back up and straightened his tie. “It was one girl Ted. I just happened to sleep with her twice as Barney and Larney. Impressive, right?”

“I'm two-thirds sickened but otherwise I'm impressed.”

“I know,” he grinned and high-fived Ted. Barney was so awesomed by himself, he almost forgot why he was arguing with his best friend. “An hour, Mosby! For a story that didn't have a single naked chick in it.”

“Let me guess your story has nudity?”

“The story is in 1981 when I was six,” Barney knocked back the rest of his Scotch, “And, yes there was some nakedness.”

It was my brother James' 8th birthday. At the time our mom was 'dating' a magician.

“A magician, really?”

Yes, really. She was 'seeing' a magician called Kyle, who was not the first or last magician... or Kyle she 'dated'.

The week before James' birthday Kyle promised to perform a magic show, with much cajoling from our mom, of which – I don't want to dwell on – I walked in on.

And so to help with the repression, I threw myself into making sure James' party kicked the ass of every party in the history of the world . I invited all the neighborhood kids, including Cindy Willis who I had the hugest crush on. Side note I did her at a Christmas party two years ago*.

I also spent all my allowance on decorations and food – streams from the 99$ Store and a fruit cake that didn't have frosting. The party really didn't stand a chance, it's only draw to the kids was the magic show.

It went badly, for two hours we waited for Kyle to show up. It was awkward, and we didn't even have booze to fall back on, as many lame celebrations do and even if we'd been older enough to drink our mom had kept the liquor cabinet locked since the incident of '79.

(*Autobiographical five!)

“So, did Kyle ever show up?”

He did, though we'd soon come to regret it.

Earlier that day Kyle and mom got into an argument, which left him needing a drink. He tried to pick the lock of the liquor cabinet but failed – it was his weak area in magic. So, instead he went to a bar and hours later, somewhere at the back of his inebriated mind, he remembered he had a gig.

But, the thing is his magic career was in decline and to pay the bills he'd become a stripper. And, when he got to the party, he saw all kids mothers, among them Cindy's mom*. He got mixed up and birthday suited down for them.

As the cops hauled Kyle away and the kids left (slightly less innocent than before), me and James picked at the fruit cake and made a promise that from that day forth we would only ever have awesome birthdays. True story.

(*I also slept with Cindy's mom at a New Years Eve Party the same year as her daughter... well partly the same year – I'm awesome.)

“That story explains somethings,” Ted said, “well, except the ending. I've known you for a few years and you've never done anything for your birthday.”

“The mere act of celebrating the birth of the Barn would be an a-bomb on all other social occasions.”

Ted shuck his head with a faint smile on his face. “Let me guess the 'a' is for awesome.”

“What else would it stand for? My whole life is a party dedicated to me all year round – I couldn't celebrate all my awesomings for the year in one day.”

Ted looked at Barney with more than a hint of skepticism. “Right, you just don't like the idea that you're getting older.”

“I'm at the peak of my physical perfection. But the point is on the day of my bros' birthdays I focus 83% of my awesomeness on them and they can call upon me for one fete of greatness. What will it be Mosby?”

Ted took a long sip of his beer. “You have to swap your suit with a homeless guy and wear his clothes for 24 hours.”


“I challenge you.”

Barney grinned. “Challenge excepted,” As soon as the words were out of Barney mouth he clutched the lapels of his suit in horror. “Damn you Mosby, you know I can't back down from a challenge!”

“There's a guy out front, with a rope for a belt and a hat made of newspapers.”

Ted chuckled as Barney stormed out of the bar, cursing his name. It was a good birthday.
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