aurey09: (HIMYM (2))
[personal profile] aurey09
Title: Five Times Barney Stinson Celebrated Someone's Birthday and One Time He Ignored His Own
Part: 2/6
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not Mine.
Word Count: 1,617
Warning: Excessive use of the word awesome.
Author's Note: This story is for my good friend [profile] sl_podcast , who recently had a birthday.

Twenty-Eight

The limousine was still parked outside Robin's apartment building, it bothered her. She'd first seen it when she'd gone to get her mail half an hour ago.

She walked down the apartment's stoop and onto the street deciding to check out the limo before she headed to the beauty saloon. Her mom had sent her a gift certificate, which gave her the perfect excuse to work on her tan. It was her birthday after all, she deserved some pampering.

As she approached the vehicle, she began to search her purse for her handgun. She didn't think she would need it but it was good to know she had it for back up.

She'd been really careful about not losing it, since the beginning of the week when she'd misplaced it at work. Her make-up lady Linda was the one who found it, unfortunately, as she completely freaked out about it. Robin had tried to be reasonable but she ended up waving her gun around and yelling about the second amendment and proper firearm maintenance. It had all ended up with her being forced to attend, literally, the most boring disciplinary meeting ever.

She hadn't told any of her friends about the incident because she didn't want her 'surprise' birthday party to turn into a 'surprise' intervention. She really hadn't needed Ted railing on her again about guns. Their last argument about it had been brutal. She'd called him a hypocrite for his pro-lightsaber stance, but her point was moot, until some geek finally got around to creating one.

She felt the cool veneer of the weapons handle, just as the limo door swung open revealing Barney Stinson, grinning like an idiot. She should probably shot him on principle, well okay for scaring the hell out of her.

“Hey, Scherbatsky!” He greeted her with a huge smile still plastered to his face. He pushed the door wider open and slid across the seat making room for her. “Get in.”

Robin blinked at him, she could get in now and avoid a really long self-involved speech about why she should get in, or she could shoot him in the face.

She clambered into the limo and settled into the seat opposite him. She had no clue what he was planning, but sitting in the backseat of a limo, that had tinted windows, with Barney Stinson had an air of seediness about it. It wasn't that she hated his sleaziness, it was entertaining, but occasionally she had to remind him that hitting on her wouldn't be in anyone's best interests. And, she really wanted to avoid having a socially awkward conversation on her birthday. It was why she'd stopped taking phone-calls from her dad a few birthdays back.

Barney lent forward and tapped on the glass partition that separated him from the chauffeur. “Drive Ranjit!”

“Barney, I can't just take off with you. I have plans.”

“You can be late. You have new plans that aren't lame because they're officially sanctioned by the republic of Barndonia.” Robin eyed her purse, reconsidering her stance on not shooting Barney.

“Drink?” He offered handing her a glass from the mini-bar. “There's Scotch, some of you're good old friend Johnnie Walker--.”

He was trying to hard, and being so nice - it was unnerving. She put her hand over her glass before he could begin to ply her with alcohol. “Barney you're not trying to get me drunk are you? I'm not one of your bimbos.”

“Robin, please. You think I waste Johnnie Walker Blue label on bimbos. They're Vodka-Cranberry at best,” he grabbed another bottle from the mini-bar and grinned, “Your Crown Royal XR.”

“Canadian Whiskey, nice.”

He poured some into her glass, before he let out a huge theatrical breathe and began the to tell 'the story' the others had warned her about. “It was 1981, the year in which Indiana Jones stole a golden idol and our hearts--”

Robin's eyes widened in horror.”Oh, no, no, no, no don't do this. You know what, this is worse than you trying to get into my pants.” She needed to escape. How difficult could it be doing a tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and into oncoming traffic?

“I'm offended Robin. Can't this be about me celebrating my bros' birthday, with the off chance of getting into her pants. It's like you don't know me at all.”

“Lily warned me how weird you act on people's birthdays. Who told you anyway, it Ted wasn't it?” She was going to kill Ted. She'd have to be inventive about it because if she shot him she'd probably get a lecture about it as he lay dying.

“No one told me, a simple internet search uncovered the gold that is fanz.of.robin.sparkles.com”

“That's still around?” She hoped there were only dead links on there for her 'Sandcastles in the Sand' video and the variety show that she done with Alan Thicke. She didn't want another song from her pop 'career' to be forced onto during karaoke again.

“The sites still there, but sadly not for much longer. I think it's on GeoCities, so it will soon perish as all fansites from the 90's must.”

“So where are we going?” She said quickly changing the subject. “Laser tag? Cigar bar?”

“Scherbatsky, you're a true bro that you'd genuinely be excited about those things but no. This unlike most things is more important than cigars and the wonderful art-form that it laser tag. No this is about re-claiming your bro-hood and ground-work for--.”

Robin pressed the button on the intercom. “Ranjit where are you taking us?”

Barney swatted her hand away from the intercom. “Ranjit, you will drive this car to its secret location, and if you say a single word I will only give you a 5% tip.”

The car began to lose speed, until it came to a complete standstill.

He jammed the button down. “I'm so sorry, Ranjit. I had no right to speak to you like that.” He turned to Robin. “You made him mad. Now he's going to drive really slow through the lights and--.”

“You still holding the button Barney.”

“Damn it Scherbatsky! Look what you made me do. Ranjit, I'll give an 83% tip.”

The limo picked up speed again.

“You're taking me to a strip club aren't you? I'm not going on my birthday.”

“We're not going to a strip club, well we might make a quick stop on the way back.”

“So, you won't tell me where we're going?” Barney raised and eyebrow at her question. She sighed. “So what's this reaffirm my bro-ness thing...?”

“You mean re-claiming your bro-hood?”

“Yeah, that.” She said seriously, as if Barney hadn't made up the phrase a few minuets ago... or maybe he'd been thinking about it for a few days. It was sometimes hard to tell with Barney how much effort and thought had gone into his crazy theories.

“It's about getting back to who you were before you dated Ted. You see Robin, your bro-itude drops down when you've suffer from the well know disease - monogamy.”

“You tried this with Ted, already?”

“Yes and he seemed to go into remission,” he shrugged, as if to dislodge and invisible weight, “but I've seen the first symptom of it returning. He's got the 'feelings' again for this Stella chick. But don't worry, there's some hope for you. The first step: is to reintroduce some healthier aspects back into your life, that your debilitating illness took from you.”

“Like what?”

He grinned, “We're going to get your dogs back.”

The time it took to get there went by quickly in a haze of alcoholic fumes, cigar smoke and laughter. Robin's aunt and her aunt's girlfriend greeted them both and showed them around to the backyard.

As Robin unlatched the gate and her dogs barreled towards her and Barney. Then jumped up with excitement at seeing them, well except for her Yorkie, who curled around her leg and away from Barney. The poor thing still hadn't recovered from whatever it seen when Barney used Robin's apartment to hook up with some random girl, while she'd been in Vancouver.

Barney didn't react much better than the Yorkie when some dog droll got on his suit. He'd continued to whine about it, and how his suits always got ruined in the pursuit of making sure his friends had awesome birthdays.

And, it was an awesome gift, getting to see that her dogs; she hadn't visited them since she'd give them up. They seemed happy and well taken care of but seeing them running around so free she knew she couldn't take them back to her tiny New York apartment.

“I can't take them home with me.”

“I know," he said and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, the weight of it was comforting, "I'm sorry... Hey, do you think your aunt and her girlfriend would be interested in riding the tricycle?” It was a bad joke but she laughed anyway. Barney could be a really good friend sometimes, even when he was being gross to achieve it.

“If I promise to go with you to the Lusty Leopard will you not sleep with my aunt or her lover.”

“Yes, but you'll be required to make-out with one of the strippers there.”

“I'm not promising anything, but I'll see after I've had a lot more drinks.”

“Deal!”
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August 2011

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